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Sunday, September 4, 2005

1:35PM - Clearwater!!!

So what's better than a bunch of super hot model girls on a near perfect beach???.....an invitation to come along......hehe....no but a few of us are going to hang out with Lin, Danielle, and the rest of the model crew for a couple of days of R&R.......Clearwater is one of my favorite places on earth, and whats better than an ocean front vacation house, and $4.99 20 packs of Bud Light.......not much that I can think of......granted, Bud Light tastes like recycled piss, but at that price, who can beat it......Im super stoked.....loading up my I-pod, and rockin out to some SICK Kelly Clarkson remixes......I'll be back late Monday night.......be safe everyone!
Zach

Current mood: chipper

Current music: "Since U Been Gone (KICK ASS REMIX)" by Kelly Clarkson

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1:26AM - Confusion.......

So....considering how much I understand about psychology, people, and the world in general.....I would guess I would know myself a little better than I do.......I can pick someone apart piece by piece in my own mind, and figure them out so easily, but I lack the ability to pick apart my own heart, and figure out why I hang on to things like I do. I have so much going for me, and so many great friends, but I continually hold tight to the people that make me feel the worst about myself......The ones that continually reject me, and negate the positive things that all my other friends do for me are the ones that I let affect me the most......I hate that part of me......the part of me that wants to change the way that these certain people in my life look at me, treat me, and affect me.........I put up with far more shit from my parents and siblings than anyone human ever should.......I take it in stride, and play it off because I KNOW why they are the way they are........Yet, I still.......still let it get the best of me sometimes........Same with friends........I havent seen Jeff in weeks.......I have tried hard to find a balance of caring, but letting him go.........He has made it pretty clear that he isn't making a trip down to Orlando, other than for a few hours tonight to pick up money and a computer......So I casually suggest that maybe Jess & I will come up to visit him next weekend.......He plays it off as he will be busy with Fraternity functions, and I was like......Fraternities don't take over your life.......He basically let me know that these are the people that he will be friends with forever.....& as stupid as it sounds......all I really ever wanted from him was to hear something like that.......just that im of some value to him........that we are friends.......I think I would probably shit myself if he ever called and said he was coming to Orlando to see me. To invite me up for something.....anything......even if it was just a trip up for dinner........I guess I'm just sick of hearing about his friends, and feeling constantly reminded that I will never be one of those people......It hurts.....and it gets to me.......I still don't understand what happened........I thought he would be someone I would feel close to for a long time......Someone I could talk to about anything.......but now.....I struggle to find something to talk about with him......I just mostly listen.......and wish on the inside that I was a part of his life again.....instead of listening to a news report about it all the time.....I have alot of positive things to be thankful for right now....on a side note.......I got my ASCAP statement, which was wayyyyy bigger than I expceted it to be......I am also really close to getting my settlement......I am working with some seriously amazing musicians right now.....writing more than I have in years, and feeling generally good about life......I have no idea where things are going to take me in the future......but for those of you that have been with me for so long.....I love you......you will never know how much you impacted my life......This entry is about as random, and spontanious as anything I've ever written in here......but it feels good to get it off my chest......G'Nite....ZJ

Current mood: blah

Current music: "Runaway Train" By Soul Asylum

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Saturday, August 27, 2005

1:42PM - OMG......SOOOO HUNGOVER!

I don't think I've ever been that drunk in my entire life.......We sat in an empty parking garage downtown for at least 4 hours trying to sober up......If I drunk 'n' dialed anyone......many appologies........I am never drinking again.

Current mood: crappy

Current music: "Splitting Headache"

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Friday, August 26, 2005

10:23AM - YAYAYAY!

MY ASCAP STATEMENT CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY......AND IT WAS WAYYYYYYYYY BIGGER THAN WHAT I WAS EXPECTING TO GET.......damn I'm a happy lil shit.......

Current mood: chipper

Current music: "Stars & Boulevards" by Augustana

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

11:35PM - Where No One Knows My Name......

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave Orlando and not look back......to leave everything I know behind me......Everything I've grown comfortable with.....everything complacent in my life.....to start over where not a soul knows me.....to make a new life for myself......Life in Orlando has grown stale to say the least......I need some new faces....new places.....I'd really like to find someone close that I could talk to.....I have so many friends, so why do I feel alone sometimes?




In the light of the sun
Is there anyone
ohh it has begun
O dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed this world you must have crossed
You don’t know me, you don’t even care
OO Yea
you don’t’ know me you don’t wear my chains ooo yea

Essentially I’d appealed
Carried all your thoughts, across an open field
When the flowers gaze at you
They are not the only ones who cry when they see you
you don’t’ know me. you don’t even care ooo yea
you don’t’ know me. you don’t wear my chains ooo yea

I think I’m going to Boston
I think I’ll start a new life
I think I’ll start it over
Where No one knows my name
I’ll get out of Florida
I’m tired of the weather
I think I’ll get a lover
And fly them out to Spain

I think I’ll go to Boston
I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think I need a sun rise
I’m tired of the sun set
it’s nice here in the summer
But some snow sure would be nice
Ooo yea

You don’t know me
You don’t even care
Ooo yea

In Boston! No one knows my name
Yeaaa
No one knows my name
No one knows my name

In Boston no one knows my name

Current mood: tired

Current music: "Boston"..........

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Saturday, August 13, 2005

2:41PM - Random Thoughts From Over The Edge...

I keep a note that I wrote on a taxi receipt
It says, “Don't listen to anybody other than me”
I hit the big time for a nominal fee
You lose a friend in the end for every dream that you see come true
I got scars upon scrapes, I've got bruises on breaks
Masochistically committed to see how much of this I'll take
Three years under water, and I ain't even got the shakes
I'm going deeper and deeper and deeper

I've got dreams to remember, I've got days to forget
I've got some phone calls in to God but he ain't called me back just yet

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: "The Silence In Ponderance"

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Tuesday, August 9, 2005

12:46AM - At Peace

given every moment i had
still i can never seem to keep up with you
you're done with one mile and onto another one thousand
still i can never seem to keep up with you

i know youll be better off without me when im gone
you know you're, your beautiful
you're beautiful

shine on
you were made to
shine on
and you know i love you
and even if we can or cant be friends
ill be with you until the very end
so shine on, you were made to

its keeping me awake every night
but i can never seem to give up on you
i send up a prayer and im onto another one thousand
i can never seem to give up on you

i know youll be better off without me when im gone
you know youre, your beautiful
youre beautiful

shine on
you were made to
shine on
and you know i love you
and even if we can or cant be friends
ill be with you until the very end
so shine on, yeah

nobodys wrong, nobodys right
keep moving on..
shine on, yeah
you were made to shine on

shine on, you were made to
shine on, and you know i love you
and even if we can or cant be friends
were gonna be brighter than we've ever been
so shine on

youre gonna be just fine
oh, youre gonna be alright love,
youre gonne be just fine,
oh youre gonna be alright love..

Current mood: calm

Current music: Shine On

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Sunday, August 7, 2005

4:26AM - ..........

I don't know why the fuck he feels like he has to lie to me......I'm really pissed, and I can't sleep....and it's after 4am.......

Current mood: angry

Current music: "Silence"

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Saturday, August 6, 2005

10:27PM - Grrr......

Why are some things so hard to let go........Sometimes I HATE being a fucking Scorpio.......I never know when to quit.......I guess I just don't know how to give up......Letting go of things is not my specialty.....sometimes I feel pathetic.....

Current mood: confused

Current music: "Angry" by Matchbox Twenty

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Thursday, August 4, 2005

3:05PM - A Realization

I realized today that the people around you have the ability to completely reshape you......mold you....change the way you look at life, people, and love......I believe that everything happens for a reason.....J is leaving in a little over a week.....I'm gonna miss that bitch like crazy, but throughout the summer, he has taught me an immense amount about myself......made me realize alot of things......I feel like the last few sentences of this chapter in my life are being written, but I have no complaints, and no regrets......J.....you are an amazing person.......I appriciate everything you've given to me, and will always be there for you.......You are amazing.....I love you.....as a friend & as a person.....I hope you find everything you are searching for.....
Z


Affirmation

i believe the sun should never set upon an argument
i believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
i believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
i believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
i believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
i believe i'm loved when i'm completely by myself alone

i believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
i believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
i believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
i believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

i believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
i believe that trust is more important than monogamy
i believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
i believe that family is worth more than money or gold
i believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
i believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

i believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
i believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
i believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
i believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

i believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
i believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
i believe that god does not endorse tv evangelists
i believe in love surviving death into eternity

i believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
i believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
i believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
i believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Current mood: content

Current music: "Affirmation" by Savage Garden

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Friday, July 22, 2005

10:57AM - Ahhh......California

My friend Paul wrote this song so long ago.......recorded it.....made it a Canadian Number 1......created a platinum album with it.....and still.....5 years later.....this song remains such a prevelant one in my life.......Paul.....ur a genious.....keep writing bro.



On a lonely day
I look out on the freeway
I can fantazise bout the car i drive
Dont need the light on
I can find my way
Its been so long now i have to say

Chorus
Im going to california
Going to live the life
Sippin' on tequila
Night after night
Dreaming of the moment when everything is right
A little bit of love goes a long
Way tonight

Verse 2
Im on my way (im on my way)
Heading for the sun
Thats where i'll stay (that's where i'll stay)
Im never going back home
Do you ever feel like
You need a change
Hang out where noone knows your name

Chorus


Would you like to meet me there
We'll be dancing on the sand
These days will never end
They'll go on and on and on

On a lonely day
I look out on the freeway
I can fantazise bout the car i drive
Dont need the light on
I can find my way
Its been so long now i have to say

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: "California" by Wave

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

2:49PM - Winds of Change Are Blowing

Who are you now
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

Chorus:
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
Yeah I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last

I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

(Repeat chorus)

I wish I could find you
Just like I found you
Then I would never let you go

Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) from you

Current mood: creative

Current music: "Silence"

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Thursday, July 14, 2005

2:46PM

everything was going so well
i don’t know what happened
a smashing sound and suddenly
i’m falling to the ground

if i had just held on for once
if i had been more
confident in myself
maybe less afraid of everything
if you had not been painful for me
if you had been more honest with me
i might have made it

sorrow comes again
for reasons unexplained
i come to you
but i am not the same
you sense my fear
tell me it’s ok
a cross to bear
i pull too far away

all the world can see right through me
i feel shattered and paralyzed
mistakes have been made that left me
crashing through the ice
i feel so alone

if i had just stood up for once
if i had walked right out the door and into
something more than we could get
if you had only learned how to stop
if you had been more than you are
then maybe we could have survived

without regrets
without the same tired thing
i will release you
like shooting stars
of who we are
of who we were then

Current mood: blah

Current music: "Silence"

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

10:14AM - Ahhhh.....

Life is just about perfect......J and I had a really good talk at brio the other night, totally cleared the water.....Went to dinner with Jess, Chris, Robbie, Maria, and Erin last night.....good times.....Talked to Chris for about two hours before I hit the hay.....I miss that kid like crazy.....Gonna go out with J after work, tanning, and my first lazer treatment today......gosh....I sound like a 40 year old woman......lol.....no worries......life is good......hit me up guys.
Z

Current mood: content

Current music: "Take Cover" by Acceptance

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Wednesday, July 6, 2005

5:53PM - Update.....

Even though the 4th didn't go exactly like I had planned, I still spent the whole thing with J and it was awesome......Trev, Dan, and everyone else that hasn't met him.......U NEED TO!.....I am so freakin happy......He is the shit......We went out with Jess, went to dinner, did all kinds of stuff......I am working tonight, outside, so all ya'll bitches come in and see me.....it's gonna be mad fun if u do yo......:).....OH and there is some seriously awesome music shit finally shaping up.....I'm stoked!.....Call me people.
Z

Current mood: chipper

Current music: "Like I Love You (Remix)" by Justin Timberlake

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Sunday, July 3, 2005

3:20PM - So yip.....

I'm all packed up.....and I figured, since I'm spending the weekend with J, I prolly wont update till at least Tues, or Weds.....So I'm off to work....I'll be there until at least 10pm, so come see me.....Then it's off to J's for tonight, Joey's tomorrow with Jess and J........ tomorrow night, back to J's, and Tuesday, we are all hangin out again.....Anyone who knows my cell, call it.....anyone who doesnt......email me......"UQT" J......
ZJ

Current mood: good

Current music: "Sound Of Settling" by Death Cab For Cutie

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12:56PM - Update......

Yesterday was a fuckin blast.....I ent with J to Disney in the morning, and we ended up staying there for 12 hours.....Went to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and MGM.....we ate lunch at Canada.....which has the best filet mignon steak I have ever had in my life.....and we went to China for dinner.....it was good too......I think we rode just about every ride there.....I hadn't had that much fun in a long time.....I'm crashing in Windermere tonight, after work, and goin to Joey's for his annual 4th party.....it's a kick ass time......I can't wait......spending the whole 4th weekend with J.....I have it bad for that boy......he's amazing.....in every way imaginable......UR MY FAVOURITE MEXICAN EVER!.....haha.....now give me a chinky smile......and some pork fried rice ;).....hahahaha......IM OUT!.....call me people.
ZJ

Current mood: jubilant

Current music: "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey

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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

10:14AM - Quick Update!

Went to Fun Spot last night, and played video games for hours with "J", Rachel, Juliet, & Brian......J and I beat House Of The Dead......It would have taken about 65 bux in quarters to really beat it. I'm working a triple today......18 hour shift......NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!......I can't wait for this weekend.....PARTAY!.....Uno...******.....**** J.....
Zach

Current mood: good

Current music: "You Found Me" by Kelly Clarkson

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